Under the Covers with Eve - Episode 21: There's No Playbook for Sex

40:02 Under the Covers with Eve episode 21 / 34 Jan 31, 2016 17 comments 3509 1212

Download (73 MB, MP3)

This week I talk about aspects of vanilla sex that you may not be crazy about, and how you can be influenced (wrongly) to think that there's some sort of playbook for sex, that everyone likes everything all the time.

Just two links this week!

Oral sex survey

Dyspareunia - painful sex

Okay two more!

Seinfeld Panties Clip

The Far Side: Boneless Chicken Ranch

Other audios in Under the Covers with Eve


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  • Easy on 2021-06-16 18:31:44 (UTC)

    A lot of good comments below, wish that I was more current on when the audio was posted. I find it hard to have a good conversation on the topic since I have no idea when someone replies to a comment. Really need a message board.

    • A Eve on 2021-06-28 21:09:52 (UTC)

      It hasn't been a priority up to now, but you can of course just reply to anyone's comment and continue the conversation if you like.

  • charles on 2020-03-18 14:10:39 (UTC)

    This seems totally reasonable, and I don't doubt any word of it, but then why did you define novels as "sex manuals" in Episode 2?

    (Anyway, I'm currently reading novels from the authors mentioned by you, because I really need to understand how sexual desire (not the mere act, for now) actually works, for both men and women)

    • A Eve on 2020-03-21 00:17:03 (UTC)

      haha that's a valid point! I never thought of that!

      All I can say is that the spirit of these two posts are a bit different.

      1. By saying there's no playbook for sex, I mean there are no rules, there are no expectations, or demands on a person to do everything they've seen, heard, or are asked to do by a partner. Sex is what you yourself enjoy and feel comfortable with, and no one can ever tell you that you should do anything different.

      2. Romance novels give people a real glimpse into what moves women in terms of emotional sexuality, which is something we don't hear talked about too often. It's a bit of insight into what women are looking for from a lover, it's not meant to be something you follow to the letter.

  • FlareStorm on 2017-03-19 21:20:04 (UTC)

    Thanks for mentioning that sometimes guys don't need or want to cum. Sometimes my medication makes it impossible, but I still love everything else about the sexual act.

    Reminds me of that Seinfeld clip where Kramer 'fakes it.' I've had to do that before so the other party didn't feel so guilty.

    • A Eve on 2017-03-22 15:08:06 (UTC)

      You're welcome - I think it's one of those things that men often just won't talk about. But it's absolutely normal to not need or want to cum all the time, whether for medical or other reasons. It's important for guys to know this and let themselves enjoy all the other pleasures of sex and intimacy too. 💋

  • MadWithLust on 2016-02-04 03:16:11 (UTC)

    "Turtle talk"??? Because the talk gets the head to pop out?

    While there may be no playbook for sex, there seems to be a huge playbook for getting to the sex...The "Hail Mary", The "Quarterback Sneak", The "Flea Flicker"... :P As most guys have to convince a woman to have sex with them at all, it's not that much of a stretch for a man to try to convince a woman to do things in bed that the partner might not prefer. People can be very compatible sexually but not 100% perfectly compatible so it seems inevitable that you would try to find a way to fill the gaps. I'm not saying it's right, but I think most people can be "bought" sexually, giving a sexual act they might not enjoy in hopes of receiving a sexual act from their partner that the partner doesn't enjoy.

    And sex is so personal...we shouldn't feel this way but if someone doesn't want to have the sex you want, it's hard not to take it personal!

    • A Eve on 2016-02-05 15:28:53 (UTC)

      haha I honestly don't know where turtle came from...just one of those things...

      Yes, I agree it can be hard not to at least try to get your partner to like something. I was thinking more about the people who think they should like everything though - I was trying to show people that you can like what you like and not feel ashamed of it.

  • Jandrusel on 2016-02-01 19:17:19 (UTC)

    Everyone of us has their own tastes. Especially in sex. I, for one, can't bring myself to like BDSM, but apparently a lot of people enjoy it. Fine and dandy: more power for them. The key, as you've already told a bazillion times, is communication.

    There's no 'How To' of sex. It doesn't matter what you see on TV or the Internet. Reality is totally different business. I haven't experienced sex yet, but I'm a hundred percent sure that, when that day comes, I'll be totally nervous. And it won't matter how many porn viewing I have under my belt: it will be a new thing. And everyone it's a beginner with a new partner.

    Sex can be messy or intimidating, but above all, it should be about cooperation and having fun naked . It should be about discovering the ways to pleasure yourself and your partner. My two cents, from an 'inexperienced' man. Great talk Eve.

    • LeaDavenport1968 on 2017-04-28 02:39:50 (UTC)

      Hey Jandrusel,assuming that your situation hasn't altered as I type,I'm in your club! Fully understand and appreciate what you say. I would agree wholeheartedly upon cooperation and communication,just that for us it seems so daunting right now,which is why it's sort of ironic really,knowing where we want to get to but ultimately being fully aware of what the realities of such an experience would mean!
      I would add that for some guys an added element of uncertainty,trepidation and possibly downright fear maybe is what to do if you have a physical barrier to overcome also. By this I mean maybe an Ostomy of some kind. I'm Ileo and I have a certain amount of fear that it may ruin a relationship,sinking any hopes of one building if I straight out describe what I have or worse when finally presented with an opportunity to become intimate,possibly after a period of time but then having to make the great reveal!
      I am aware that many couples live perfectly happily with an Ostomy,it can be worked around so to speak,even where the surgery did cause damage to the nervous system of the respective sexual organs. It is that added fear factor that lurks in the back of my mind because it could be a complete relationship breaker, some couples,married ones couldn't adapt,I've heard others become stronger but for single,introverted Ostomists it adds a layer of uncertainty. Despite many careful months,years of self improvement, that we are determined to achieve I and many others in order to reach our goals,there exists an added,potential barrier which could derail this either in the space of time it takes to utter the words,"I need to tell you I have an Ostomy" or for the and I would say absolute worst scenario of a "great reveal",right before becoming intimate. For some guys it becomes an even more insurmountable barrier,Homosexual guys have their playbook further dictated to. Fortunately for me that isn't a consideration,yet I'm aware of some guys with a particular,is fetish the right term,for their lady to perform anal upon them,with the neccessary attachments! That very thought makes me cringe!

      We Ostomists occupy a slightly different area alongside other guys. You cannot easily spot us,unless when in a changing area of say a Gym for example or when swimming perhaps,scarring being a giveaway that there is something different going on down there, but we automatically have to make considerations for our Playbook. I apologise for this lengthy and perhaps off topic aspect of my post Jan but I thought by offering it to you it may give you pause to reflect on the advantage that you will have over others and quite possibly some guys around you. Keep persevering with your well balanced attitude Jan and you will succeed in reaching your goals,with help from our Lady Eve of course!



    • A Eve on 2016-02-01 20:15:45 (UTC)

      Thank you! And yes, there will be nerves involved, but that's true with every new lover. Especially if you really care about someone, you're going to be nervous about the relationship, not just the sex. The key is to realize she will be feeling the same thing, and just find ways to make each other feel more at ease.

  • leytod on 2016-02-01 18:33:29 (UTC)

    I admit my surprise to learn that many of your audience have not yet experienced sex. I'm also surprised that some would interpret the over-the-top world of erotic audio or hotel-adult-channel porn as examples of the real thing. Just as action movies show exaggerated fights and explosions, so too does most erotic fiction amplify "the act" to make a performance. Here's an irony; I suspect that the more entertaining a couple look on video during sex, the less the two are actually enjoying it. Sex that both partners are really enjoying is probably pretty boring to watch!

    • A Eve on 2016-02-01 20:15:16 (UTC)

      haha good point! Yes, there are lot of people who haven't had sex with a partner yet, and what I've found, from doing some research and just from being around erotic audio for nearly two years now, is that a lot of people have formed their ideal sex scenario around what they've seen in porn. They think this is what sex really is, - so of course your girlfriend is going to want to have a threesome, or anal, or whatever. Of course you should be having random sex with sex-crazed women - what's wrong with you?

      A lot of really young kids, too, believe that this is how it should be, particularly the part about it being free of any emotional involvement or seriousness of any kind. If you look into this subject more I think you'd be shocked at some of the common attitudes out there among younger people.

      • leytod on 2016-02-02 14:22:19 (UTC)

        I didn't know that - and again I'm surprised. And disappointed. With the entire Internet in everyone's pocket through their phone, with forums full of posts from peers, with personal friends always an instant text or call away I would have expected a much greater enlightenment among younger people.

        I'm mid-40s. My peers and I mocked porn in our teens & 20s. We knew it was over-acted rediculous nonsense. A skin flick in the VCR was a fun way to get off or get new ideas on how the parts fit together but no one believed that "Breastman's Ultimate Orgy" was really sex.

        Maybe because everyone now has a video camera in their pocket and every crazy sex encounter around the world gets uploaded as "POV" porn, people believe that everything they see is real and everyone is doing it that way.

        • A Eve on 2016-02-03 13:13:44 (UTC)

          yes, I think that's a huge part of it. It makes people believe this is all normal, and makes them feel inadequate because it isn't happening to them

  • FallenKnight71 on 2016-02-01 07:32:29 (UTC)

    I vote with 2 Thumbs up for the terminology of turtle talk and being a boneless chicken :P Great talk as always Eve:)

    • A Eve on 2016-02-01 20:15:41 (UTC)

      haha thank you!